youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
