I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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