The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
