Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
