did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
