I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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