It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
