Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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