Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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