; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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