I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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