You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
someone owes me an orgasm
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
