Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
