I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
