Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
