Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Randomize
