Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
