wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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