if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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