my being single is dangerous.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
