i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
