i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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