thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
