Who wears a wallet chain?!
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
