I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
