Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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