alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
