I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
