She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
