I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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