he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
