You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
