I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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