Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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