no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
