I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
