I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
