i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
