Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
50% drunk capacity currently
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
