did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
