Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
