Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
