dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
