Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
