So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
