my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
