Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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