On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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