How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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