I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
