I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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