I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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